Six Months

Today is March 3, 2018.  At 9:40 p.m. it will be six months since the moment Bobby took his own life.  At that moment he was in such a dark place he could not see any other way to feel better.  Bobby was in so much pain from several things going on in his life that he felt hopeless.  He was not a drug addict, he was not a criminal, he did not have a history of mental illness.  Bobby was a wonderful dad, and wonderful friend, a wonderful son, grandson, brother, uncle, cousin, nephew, the list goes on and on.  He was going through a divorce and living in an apartment with too much quiet.  At that moment, he couldn’t see that life would get better, that he was worthy of happiness and love!  He felt so much “physical, mental and emotional pain” that he couldn’t go on.  He felt he was “hurting the ones that should mean the most.” He felt he was “broken beyond repair.” And “this too shall pass.”  These are his words from his final text message.  He was so wrong!  This will NEVER pass!  Every time I hear this phrase now I just want to scream.  It will NEVER pass!  Bobby was so important to so many people!  So loved, so respected, so cherished, so needed!

Bobby’s car is still parked on the street in front of my house.  I’d like to sell it but I think it’ll be hard to see it go when I finally do sell it.  It’s a Saturn.  I smile when I look out and see it parked there, I smile when I drive up to my house and see it parked there.

This was a tough week.  It’s been six months today since I hugged my son.  Since I heard his voice and since I heard him tell me he loves me.  He was my heart!  It’s impossible to live without your heart, but I have to move forward.  I have a daughter, whom I love with all my heart.  I have a grandson and a granddaughter, who are so very dear to me and whom I also love with all my heart.  I have two grandsons that Bobby left behind, that I love so dearly and with all my heart.  My husband is my rock, my love, and the person in my life that pushes me to get up every morning and to go on every day.  He is my confidant and the person in my life who can talk me down, or up, from times in my world that kick me in my gut.

I know Bobby loved me and I know he would have done anything to make me happy.  Bobby adored his boys and would never have hurt them like this.  This was about Bobby.  What he did to himself six months ago was not a selfish act on his part.  He just wanted to stop the incredible pain and sadness.  He didn’t want to die, he just wanted to turn it off.  Sometimes it’s just too much for anyone to take.  Bobby had reached his limit and he was alone.  Loneliness is a vicious monster when you are feeling vulnerable.

Bobby was a great person that anyone would have been lucky to have in their life.  He was just one of those rare people that are too special for this world.

More soon…