Today it has a been 26 weeks since we laid Bobby to rest.  A half a year.  And 27 Fridays ago he and the boys were here for the weekend.  It was a good weekend.  We had some great conversation, we all went to dinner at O’Charleys, and the boys, and Jeff and I went    shopping for some toys.  Keagan picked out Legos and Coen picked out a toy pickup truck with a trailer and a motorcycle.  We had so much fun with the boys.  They “camped” on the floor of my TV room, collected rocks from the creek and spent hours with Bobby assembling the Legos.

Bobby was such a great dad.  He knew the kind of dad he wanted to be and he made it happen.  His boys were so important to him and he made sure they realized it.  My prayer is that they grow to be fine young men and know that their dad loved them with his whole heart.  They deserve the best life has to offer and they deserve to be happy.  I love those little guys and I miss their visits with Bobby.

It’s hard to be happy without Bobby here in my life.  Sometimes I feel like I just can’t do it.  I just can’t go on.  But then I look into the face of my daughter, or my granddaughter or my grandson, my husband; or I think about those precious little boys of Bobby’s and realize that I have to go on…for them.  It’s so hard, my heart hurts so badly and I need feel Bobby hug me just once more.  Just one more time….

Today is March 3, 2018.  At 9:40 p.m. it will be six months since the moment Bobby took his own life.  At that moment he was in such a dark place he could not see any other way to feel better.  Bobby was in so much pain from several things going on in his life that he felt hopeless.  He was not a drug addict, he was not a criminal, he did not have a history of mental illness.  Bobby was a wonderful dad, and wonderful friend, a wonderful son, grandson, brother, uncle, cousin, nephew, the list goes on and on.  He was going through a divorce and living in an apartment with too much quiet.  At that moment, he couldn’t see that life would get better, that he was worthy of happiness and love!  He felt so much “physical, mental and emotional pain” that he couldn’t go on.  He felt he was “hurting the ones that should mean the most.” He felt he was “broken beyond repair.” And “this too shall pass.”  These are his words from his final text message.  He was so wrong!  This will NEVER pass!  Every time I hear this phrase now I just want to scream.  It will NEVER pass!  Bobby was so important to so many people!  So loved, so respected, so cherished, so needed!

Bobby’s car is still parked on the street in front of my house.  I’d like to sell it but I think it’ll be hard to see it go when I finally do sell it.  It’s a Saturn.  I smile when I look out and see it parked there, I smile when I drive up to my house and see it parked there.

This was a tough week.  It’s been six months today since I hugged my son.  Since I heard his voice and since I heard him tell me he loves me.  He was my heart!  It’s impossible to live without your heart, but I have to move forward.  I have a daughter, whom I love with all my heart.  I have a grandson and a granddaughter, who are so very dear to me and whom I also love with all my heart.  I have two grandsons that Bobby left behind, that I love so dearly and with all my heart.  My husband is my rock, my love, and the person in my life that pushes me to get up every morning and to go on every day.  He is my confidant and the person in my life who can talk me down, or up, from times in my world that kick me in my gut.

I know Bobby loved me and I know he would have done anything to make me happy.  Bobby adored his boys and would never have hurt them like this.  This was about Bobby.  What he did to himself six months ago was not a selfish act on his part.  He just wanted to stop the incredible pain and sadness.  He didn’t want to die, he just wanted to turn it off.  Sometimes it’s just too much for anyone to take.  Bobby had reached his limit and he was alone.  Loneliness is a vicious monster when you are feeling vulnerable.

Bobby was a great person that anyone would have been lucky to have in their life.  He was just one of those rare people that are too special for this world.

More soon…

We got our first little bit of snow yesterday, I’m sad Bobby missed it.  He didn’t necessarily love the snow but I liked talking to him about it.  The area in Georgia where he lived for the last nine years or so, and was a Sheriff’s Deputy for about five of those years, had a lot of of snow this year. He always said they would have to shut down the city with just a dusting of snow.  I think they had about eight or nine inches this time.  I can’t even image how many accidents and cars off the road he would have worked.  He love his  job working as a deputy and was very good at it.  Several of Bobby’s co-workers from the Sheriff’s Department attended his service.  They had such wonderful things to say about Bobby, it made me so proud of him, once again.  Jeff and I plan to make a trip to Georgia this summer to visit the Sheriff’s Department and other friends.  We’ll drive by his old house and some of the places we visited with Bobby.  The last time we were in Georgia we went to The Mall of Georgia.  We got the boys Build-a-Bears and it was so much fun.  We spent about an hour in that little store making their stuffed animals.  We also went to a motorcycle store, and a gun store, Krispy Kreme, the R2B2 Shop, Target and Publix.  I love that area of the country with the mountains and lakes, it’s beautiful.

While walking to my car after work today a wave of sadness washed over me that was so strong it nearly brought me to my knees.  Bobby is really gone.  Gone from my life and my world.  It’s unbelievable that I will never hold his hand or hear his voice ever again.  It’s tough getting through a day without thinking about him a million times and wishing I could just have a do over.

When Bobby was a little boy we used to play cops and robbers, cowboys and Indians and anything else he wanted to play, baseball, football, soccer and we used to skateboard.  He was much better than me at skateboarding but I tried.  When we played cops and robbers/cowboys and Indians Bobby always decided who would be the good guy and who would be the bad guy.  The bad guy always got shot by the good guy.  If Bobby were the one to be shot he would fall on the floor and hang his tongue out. He was so cute.  When he hung out his tongue he always hung it out pointed up!  It was so cute I just couldn’t tell him the right way.

Bobby had a teacher in Pre-K that sent home a note to me and it read, “I am concerned that Bobby continues to be interested in playing games involving guns, monsters and bad men.”   Can you tell me why that is concerning?  Especially 30 years ago!

Bobby was a good man.  He was a wonderful father. I am so lucky to be his mom.  He made me proud every day.  He was patient with me and I know very well I irritated the heck out of him sometimes, especially with Snapchat.  He couldn’t understand why I took screen shots of my Snapchat photos and texted them to him instead of sending him a Snapchat message.  And I kept sending him screen shots because I knew that rolled his eyes at me every time he got my text.

More to come…

Tonight I attended a meet and greet.  Everything was going pretty well until I ran into the parents of one of Bobby’s childhood friends.  Memories of Bobby as a 10 year old soccer All-Star flooded my heart and it took every bit of strength I could muster up to fight back the rush of emotions.  Bobby was such a talented soccer player and he was self taught.  (His dad was a baseball player.)  When he was about four years old he’d kick that soccer ball against the couch, the wall, the house.  Anywhere that would bounce it back to him.  As he grew he learned more control and learned to do little trick moves with his feet.  He made a make-shift goal between two trees in the front yard and practiced everyday.  He and his friends lived soccer.  He was chosen for the All-Star team the very first year he was eligible and every year after.  He played on a Traveling Team called Flame.  He loved playing goalie and forward.   He was a scoring machine.  I lost my voice cheering for him more times than I can remember.  I was a proud soccer mom.  One year for his birthday he asked for a green and black soccer ball, size 5.  That’s all he wanted.  I couldn’t find one anywhere, and I looked everywhere. I called every store within a 50 mile radius.  I finally found a green and black soccer ball at a Walmart 30 miles away.  I pleaded with them to hold it for me.  My brother-in-law happened to teach in that town a picked up the ball for me on his way to the party!  Yay!

I miss my little soccer player.

 

 

Tomorrow will be four months.  My life is divided into two parts now;  Before and After.  It’s like someone has turned off the lights.  Things are not as bright as they were before.  I know Bobby would never want us to be so sad but as hard as I try there are very few moments throughout the day that he isn’t on my mind.  He left so many great memories.  He was a wonderful person; opinionated, judgemental, stubborn and kind, with such a big heart.  He always tried to act so gruff but underneath all that grouchiness was the biggest heart you could ever know.

I have had two sessions with a Medium.  The first session was shortly after on October 24, 2017.  This was great. Bobby came through and wanted to make sure I understood just how much he loved me.  He called me his “Angel” and said I was always there for him and that I did everything I could for him in his life.  He knew I would have done ANYTHING for him, without a question.  He said that he understood why and supported decisions I made in my life that I had questioned.  He let me know he’s in heaven with my Dad.  I’m not sure he every got over the loss of my dad in 2010.  He told me to look for dimes.  My dad leaves pennys for me and Bobby leaves dimes for me.

The second session was on December 4 and was more about other aspects of my life but Bobby was there.  He’s with my dad, but always at my side.  It gives me much comfort to know Bobby is with me.  I know he’s looking out for me, I’ve had too many near misses since and that is not the way I roll.  I’m usually on the floor or the ground, tripping or running into things.  I’m not really very graceful and he’s helping me stay safe and in one piece.

So, Bobby’s car was titled TOD to me.  Of all the great vehicles he had in his lifetime, and he had a lot of different ones, he left me a 2001 Saturn with 121,000 miles on it.  I think that was his final joke on me and that makes me smile.  That boy could have left me with a rock and I would treasure it because it belonged to him.  I do have many items that belonged to Bobby that would not mean anything to anyone but me; his spare change cup, his ink pen, a receipt for a Little Caesar’s pizza, Bobby touched those things.

More to come….

Bobby was born on a Tuesday, November 16, 1982 at 4:39 p.m.  He was three days early, his due date was November 19.  Bobby died by suicide on Sunday, September 3, 2017 at 9:40 p.m.  He died 60 years early at 34 years, 9 months, 18 days, and 5 hours of age.

Bobby was a surprise.  When I found out I was pregnant with Bobby I was shocked but Bobby made the shock easy on me.  I had a very easy pregnancy and very short labor.  He was in a hurry to get here to start his life.

Bobby was a good baby.  He slept well and was pretty happy,  as well as I can remember.  From the moment Bobby was born I realized that baby boys are different.  Besides the obvious way,  Bobby fit perfectly into the space right above my heart and snuggled in close.  Bobby remained in that space, attached to me at the heart, until the day he died.  He’s always in my heart.

When Bobby was little he used to sit in the hallway outside the bathroom door in the mornings while I finished getting ready for work.  He’d eat his cereal while I was applying my make-up and doing my hair and he always told me how pretty I looked.  He loved his momma and I was his first love, as it is for all little boys.

Bobby loved soccer and he was a very good soccer player.  He was on a traveling team and we loved going to the Show Me games in Columbia, MO and other various tournaments.  He was a natural with tons of talent.

Bobby also played baseball. My dad taught him to bat left handed, even though he was right handed.  This confused a lot of coaches and pitchers.  When he was 17 he traveled to Belgium, Amsterdam and Holland to play baseball for the USA Athletes Team.  This was such a wonderful experience and he made some life long friends on that trip.

When Bobby was in high school he played football for Cape Central High School.  He played tight-end and was very defensive.  I really don’t know much about football, but I do know Bobby played hard and played hurt.  He eventually had to have his knee scoped and then opened up for repair.  The great Dr. Thorpe did both his knee surgeries.

After Bobby graduated from high school he attended WyoTech in Laramie, WY.  He graduated in September, 2005 and following WyoTech attended SAM Tech in Houston, TX.  He loved racing and his dream was to work for a professional racing team.   His first racing job was with John Force Racing.  He worked on Eric Medlen’s funny car team.  Because Force is headquartered in Yorba Linda, CA he continued to look for work closer to home.  After a few weeks he was hired by Warren Johnson Racing, headquartered in Sugar Hill, GA.  Although he loved his job, it was not to last very long.  After a couple of years in drag racing the team had to shut down one of the two cars and Bobby was left without a job.

Bobby’s next adventure was working for the Sheriff’s Department in Barrow County, GA.   He started out as a jailer, and he seemed to like that job more than I thought he would.  He decided to try out racing one more time and worked for about a year for Roger Burgess, R2B2 Pro-Mod Cars.  After that year he returned to the Sheriff’s Department.  This time he applied to the Academy and graduated. He was Deputy for about 5 years before returning to MO.  He loved his job and he was very good at it, as well.

He spent about a year working for Big Foot Monster Trucks and was learning to drive the big trucks when that job was eliminated for financial reasons.  At the time of his passing he worked for Kienstra Concrete.  When he went to work at Kienstra he always told me he was going to have to get an exciting hobby because needed that adrenaline rush that his previous jobs had provided.

Bobby was very passionate about everything he did in his life.  He learned everything and studied all about whatever he was involved with; racing, law enforcement, being a dad to his boys, everything. He was a wonderful son, step-son, dad, brother, uncle, nephew, cousin, and friend.  So many people loved him and he had no idea.

I miss Bobby so much and I’m trying to move forward everyday because that’s what Bobby would want me to do.  It’s hard.

 

More to come….